I must believe God is using every moment.
Even the moments I don't feel as if I present any growth to this world or Him; I'm stagnant.
I must believe He uses the times I'm carrying anger, or struggle parting with anxiety; the times when I'm seeing ten possible future outcomes to every possible choice and they all end with misery and death.
Somehow, I must believe that He is exhausting every resource in this world and in Heaven to get to me, even though through His hands everything is sustainable and everlasting.
God sees me.
Like a scientist glued to his magnifying glass or telescope, eagerly scoping every possible detail of his subject and more...He sees me.
He sees me pushing through; when I don't show up, or when I do.
He sees my heart; when I feel like showing up and when I don't, and He sees why.
Dealing with my flesh everyday is an ongoing battle. He sees my addictions, from past, present, and future. He sees the ones I've been delivered from and the ones that I still fight against.
He knows me better than I know myself. Through Him, I see parts of me, parts I'm not able to see on my own, that I don't always realize are there.
When I am hard on me, He is not. He is constantly dealing with me and tending to me, like a gardener, consistently pulling weeds from his garden to keep it alive, abundantly healthy, and radiant.
I regularly sit with my frustrations, since they like to visit and talk more often than I desire, like an unwanted guest who doesn't know when to take their leave. Some days they are too much to bear. He hears me complaining and crying out, He sits, He embraces, and He listens.
He sees me pacing, both outwardly and inwardly in aggravation, He moves with me.
He sees the hostility from my agony.
The ongoing battle with my sins and failures isn't lost on Him. There are days I am sure the frustration is due to Him; The other part I believe is the battle against procrastination my flesh engages in; the battle being it's utter downfall. Maybe then the surrender will be ever so sweet.
Where I am impatient with myself, God is still there, He is patient where I am not and more. When I have no love to give to my self, God embraces me and He loves on me.
It is with His merciful love that I am then able to love Him in return (1John 4:19)
One thing I know for sure, His glory will not just be awaiting the end, but it shines all throughout, for by it I have persevered.
Psalm 139:1-24
1 O Lord, you have searched me and known me!
2 You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
you discern my thoughts from afar.
3 You search out my path and my lying down
and are acquainted with all my ways.
4 Even before a word is on my tongue,
behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.
5 You hem me in, behind and before,
and lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
it is high; I cannot attain it.
7 Where shall I go from your Spirit?
Or where shall I flee from your presence?
8 If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
9 If I take the wings of the morning
and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
10even there your hand shall lead me,
and your right hand shall hold me.
11If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,
and the light about me be night,”
12 even the darkness is not dark to you;
the night is bright as the day,
for darkness is as light with you.
13For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
14I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
16Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.
17How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 If I would count them, they are more than the sand.
I awake, and I am still with you.
19Oh that you would slay the wicked, O God!
O men of blood, depart from me!
20They speak against you with malicious intent;
your enemies take your name in vain.
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O Lord?
And do I not loathe those who rise up against you?
22I hate them with complete hatred;
I count them my enemies.
23Search me, O God, and know my heart!
Try me and know my thoughts!
24And see if there be any grievous way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting!